


John's Widow

by Hikaru Yuy (SailorVFan10)



Series: Operation: Parenting [1]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst and Feels, Blood and Violence, EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, Everything Hurts, F/M, Heero and Duo can be romantic in their own way, M/M, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Original Character Death(s), Post-Canon, Somewhat Graphic Violence, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 04:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorVFan10/pseuds/Hikaru%20Yuy
Summary: Team Bravo was supposed to have Team Alpha's six o'clock. Unfortunately Team Bravo didn't come, and the enemy decided on an ambush. Heero's quick thinking managed to spare just one of his fellow agents, while putting his own life in danger. When they manage to wake up alive, albeit severely injured, in a hospital, Heero has to grapple with the lives lost and, as their commanding officer, inform their families about what happened, all while grappling with his own feelings about how he nearly put his Partner in All Things, his wife, and unborn child in the same position.





	John's Widow

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a while ago, before the last oneshot I wrote for Operation: Parenting, but had to work on it off and on due to how high the emotions were in this fic. I started off with a third person point of view and then determined that that wasn't doing enough justice to the fic, so I switched it to first person, from Heero's point of view, and I felt that works better. I wasn't expecting this fic to turn into a 15 page, almost 8400 word behemonth of a oneshot. But it did. I know it's gonna give feels. I know that it might get a bit heavy in some areas. But I did enjoy writing it.

_22 September AC 198_

We're surrounded.

The grip on my rifle tightened to an almost painful point, metal digging into my palm as I leaned against a wall covered in splinters and god knows what else. I had to think of something, and quick, to try and salvage this botch job of an assignment that went ass up the minute we'd stepped in the door. They'd been waiting for us, likely tipped off somehow, probably from someone not following operation security procedures--I had a couple of rookies on my team after all, ones who were all too eager to try and prove their worth. We were supposed to advance in teams of two, using the buddy system I'd had success with in the past.

The best laid plans for this mission all went horribly awry. I'd yet to hear from Team Bravo, the ones who were supposed to come in not that far behind us to provide very necessary cover. Hell, they could've been the ones who'd tipped these assholes off, and were lying in wait to collect whatever reward was there for them. My head alone was probably worth more money than they'd ever seen in their lives. I had no idea where the rest of my group was, or where my partner was--I'd lost everyone in the ambush trying to find cover.

I could very well be the only one left. Agents Stoew and Repp I knew were lost, I'd watched them get picked off and couldn't even give them warning before they were on the ground in a pool of blood. The thought caused bile to rise in my throat, but I swallowed it back down as I mentally visualised the blueprints for the bunker of horrors I was trapped in. I froze when the air shifted and pointed rifle first behind me, my head following. Hands up, Agent Colton looked shocked as he stared at the business end of my firearm. I sighed, lowering it.

"You scared me, Needle."

"Sorry, sir," he whispered, as he crouched down next to me. "I found Bobbin and Torch, and Lizard lost his tail... I don't think he's gonna recover." He looked queasy. Agent Colton was fresh out of the cadets, almost too new to be considered for a mission of this magnitude. Agent Colby lost a leg and likely bled to death from it. Five out of fourteen agents were gone. I cursed under my breath.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Colton and I tensed when we heard someone yell, the building rocking under our heels as dirt and dust rained down from the ceiling from an explosive detonating a short distance away around the corner.

"Heh, just like y'all to try and kill a rat with a goddamn explosive. Well, it'd help if you didn't miss, you incompetent fuck!"

"Sounds like Grim," Colton said with a grin. "Shall we go?"

I nodded before breaking into a run towards the yelling.

"Ain't takin' me alive, motherfuckers, so y'all best keep on firing in the hopes you'll hit me. Did someone with a blindfold on teach y'all how to shoot or something? I'd be better off shooting myself in the head and making it look like y'all did it to save everyone from embarrassment, Jesus Mary and all the fuckin' barnyard."

A smile threatened to tug at my lips as I listened to the verbal assault Duo unleashed about their mothers, their gods, and their shooting skills. I kept telling Duo during mission debriefs that taunting the enemy would get him killed one day. He never listened to me. Still, it was reassuring to know that Duo, at least, didn't succumb to enemy fire just yet.

"They fire like OZ soldiers," Colton muttered behind me, as I leaned against another wall, this one at a junction in the corridor. There was blood splattered on the concrete not even a meter in front of me, and I refused to try and figure out whose it might be.

"We're not doing anything _illegal_ ," said a voice I didn't recognise. "We're just stockpiling old weaps for when this peace crumbles and history repeats itself. Can't fault us for that."

"Smuggling arms isn't illegal, no," Duo said. "It's _very_ illegal! You get a ride on a shuttle one way to a prison asteroid, where you get to mine until your arms stop working. Then they teach you how to use a pickaxe with your feet."

I heard a gun discharge and Duo yelp. Colton tried to bolt forward but I put an arm up to stop him.

"What are you doing?" he whispered harshly in my ear. "He's gonna die--your _partner_ is gonna die--and you're just gonna stand here and watch?"

"Him yelping doesn't mean he got shot," I whispered back. "Jumping out there with no plan is going to help him _how_?" I shot him a glare over my shoulder. "Use your head, Needle."

"I'm not letting them execute him."

"Then help me come up with a plan so they don't."

There was coughing around the corner, followed by footsteps. Duo groaned.

"Imagine the reward when we bring in a high ranking Preventers agent's head..." He clicked his tongue. "Don't move if you value your life."

"You're gonna kill me anyway," Duo ground out. "What does it matter if I move or not?"

"Because if you move I'll just make it more painful..." As if to punctuate that sentence, I winced as I heard something puncture flesh.

"I wouldn't pull that out if I were you, not unless you want to bleed to death..." I felt more than heard the barking laugh that followed.

"Sometimes the best action is to do what you think is right." Colton moved before I could stop him, gun raised as he jumped out from the cover the wall provided.

"Needle--"

He managed to fire off a few rounds before one of theirs hit flesh and bone right in his throat. Another in the head. Chest. I heard Duo retch. Footsteps came closer, and I had my finger on the trigger without realising it.

"Okay, I think he's dead," said the guy who had taunted Duo before, as he prodded the body with the toe of his boot. "You can put your gun down now."

He didn't see me. Couldn't see me. I wasn't sure which and I hated that fact.

"We don't have that much ammo to go around, you know." He turned to look down the hall, looking past where I was.

_He can't see me_.

"I know someone else is there," the man called in sing-song. "Preventers always travel in twos, right? So why don't you come out and say hello? Maybe introduce yourself? Wouldn't want you to miss the show, after all."

I growled low in my throat. Calculated if I could easily take the one nearest me down and have time to take out the one by Duo without Duo--

"If you don't show your face," said a different voice, "then we'll just splatter Pilot 02's all over the wall."

I bit the inside of my cheek in an effort to repress a scream that wanted to tear through my throat. I couldn't act in a way that was irrational, I had to keep my emotions in check or we'd both end up dead.

_What are my options?_

"Don't make me ask twice." He sounded put out. This was one person I didn't mind keeping waiting.

I took a deep breath as I tried to still the racing thoughts in my head. Rationality. I needed calm, I needed my blood to stop boiling.

_You were built for this._ The voice was not mine.

I pushed away from the wall and pivoted around the corner, already taking aim. _Put the target in sight and keep it there._

Eyes widened as they focused on me instead of Duo.

_Relax your shoulders but don't have them too relaxed or your movements will be jerky._

Vaguely I was aware of something entering my shoulder, but I was too focused on my targets, the enemies before me, that there was no time to register it. That could be processed when there was time for it.

_Finger on the trigger ready to shoot. Always be ready to shoot, or they'll have one up on you, and that is never a position an assassin wants to be in._

"Shit, it's--"

_Aim with intent. Don't waste the shot. Squeeze, kid, squeeze--_

I felt nothing as I heard a bang followed by a gurgle, blood spilling from his mouth and ears and the hole I'd put in his head. If there was time later, I'd feel guilt or remorse then. Right now it was either they died, or Duo died, and I wasn't the kind of guy to break promises I'd made, even foolish ones like promising to keep someone alive.

"The Angel of Death," the other exhaled, as I sighted right between his eyes. He had a fistful of Duo's hair and a knife pressed so hard to Duo's throat that I saw blood.

"Is his life really worth saving?" the man asked. "Worth killing over?"

"Yeah," I said, matter of fact, before I silenced him the same way I silenced his buddy. The knife clattered to the ground, and Duo let out a shaky breath.

"Ro--"

I put a finger over my mouth as I walked over to him, assessing his wounds to see what needed to be treated urgently and what could wait. He looked pale and clammy, his breaths coming in little gasps. There was a knife jutting out of his leg. The calm I'd managed to piece together shattered, though I tried not to show it so Duo wouldn't panic.

"It's bad, ain't it?" He wasn't asking. He already knew. I couldn't remove the knife unless I wanted Duo to immediately bleed out, so all I could do was bandage around it to try and keep the knife in place until I could evac him out of here.

"You're gonna be fine," I said, my voice losing its hard, confident edge as I tightened the makeshift bandage. "No problem at all."

"Ro... Babe... We're all that's left. Everyone's dead."

I paused so I could will my hands to not tremble as I went over the cut on Duo's neck. It wasn't deep, thankfully, mostly superficial. That could wait until we got back to base--

Pain exploded across the side of my head as my ears rang. Duo's eyes were wide, his back on the filthy ground, fingers gripping the sleeves of my jacket. There was yelling but I couldn't make out any individual words. His arm was bleeding.

"Save yourself," Duo mouthed, his voice too weak and distant for me to hear over the ringing, his gaze fixed on the ceiling rafters. "Tell Thalia I love her, Ro... Please."

"Tell her yourself after I get you out of here." I couldn't see the source of the sudden rain of bullets, but I knew I had to get Duo out of here.

"I ain't leaving alive, Heero... You and I both know that."

I dropped the bag of gear I was carrying, most of it unnecessary now, before hoisting Duo over my shoulders in a fireman carry, careful of his leg.

"You're coming home with me, and you're gonna go home and fuck your wife, and see Helena, okay?"

"Forget fucking my wife," Duo said with a weak little laugh. "If you manage to save my ass, I'll let you have it for the night."

* * *

It was hard to breathe. Hard to move. I didn't know how long I walked for, but I was deep in the woods, heading for the rendezvous point where there would hopefully be someone waiting.

"Duo?"

No response. My blood chilled as I reached a clearing. Carefully I placed him on the grass before I dropped to my knees and called his name again, louder. Still nothing. Panic rose in my chest as I pressed my ear against his, listening for any signs of life. Breath sounds, just barely, and they sounded forced. I pressed two fingers to the pulse point on his neck; weak and thready was all I got.

"You are not dying here," I said through grit teeth, gripping his blood drenched shirt. "You are not dying in some god for-fucking-saken field covered in blood and dirt and who knows what else." Fear gripped my heart and squeezed and I choked as pain overtook every inch of my body.

"Feather," came a voice through my earpiece, overlaid with static. "What's your 20?"

Black was eating at the edges of my vision, my body couldn't move anymore. I coughed and spat blood on the grass. The adrenalin that had kept me going all this time was leaving my veins, and my body was beginning to fail now that the 'danger' was gone.

"Feather, do you read me?"

_We're both going to die here_ was a thought that flashed through my head, as I slumped over on the grass. I didn't have the energy to press the talk switch on my mic.

"Heero--"  Whoever sent that was breaking comms protocol, using my real name like that. "--where are you?! Answer me now!"

I chuckled, my voice faint. To think that, when I was fifteen, I didn't care if I'd died. Failure meant death after all, and it wasn't like my life meant anything to anyone, including myself. I'd made peace with that, but managed to survive anyway, despite my efforts and OZ's efforts. Now, at eighteen, as I lay there next to Duo, his hand cool against the heat of my palm, I was afraid of dying for the first time in my life.

Not being able to see my wife again... Never meeting my daughter... I shivered.

The sun was beginning to set, the sky turning all sorts of beautiful colours. Dimly I could hear what sounded like the rotor blades of a helicopter, but they were too far away, and with darkness approaching, I doubted anyone would find us in time. I squeezed Duo's hand as I murmured, "Take me, Duo. I'm ready."

The helicopter above slowed as it approached our location, spotlights roaming the grass for us. It was too late. Relena and Thalia would at least have closure from Preventers bringing our bodies home.

"I'm sorry, Relena," I murmured. "Don't be too...mad at me."

The blackness that ate away at my periphery claimed my vision entirely.

* * *

_Date ???_

_Location ???_

I smelled tar, which did nothing but irritate my nose as I walked around a pitch black landscape. What sounded like gravel crunched under my feet as I headed in a direction I didn't pick so much as I was drawn towards it. It's said that when someone dies, a light would appear that they could follow, and it would lead them somewhere--to Heaven, Hell, some kind of afterlife, or peering into the face of a doctor as the cycle repeated itself. I didn't believe in God, so I doubted any path would lead me to him. After everything I'd done in my life, Hell sounded more appropriate. To be honest, I didn't really know if I believed in any afterlife, or reincarnation. I'd never given it much thought.

_Wake up..._  

The darkness gradually faded as I continued walking, giving me a view of the area I was in. Scorched trees dotted my path and the remains of flowers added the tiniest hint of colour. It wasn't enough to brighten the place up fully. The devastation reminded me of the girl, and I was half expecting to see a completely demolished building scattered with scraps of Leo mobile suits, broken and jumbled bodies here and there. But there wasn't.

_Please wake up..._

I thought of Relena, how grief-stricken she'd be at Une and Zechs showing up on our doorstep with news they'd never thought they'd deliver. How Agent Heero Yuy had fallen trying to defend the peace he tried so hard to attain. How his loss demoralised the remaining agents and reverberated throughout the agency. How she would have to be strong as Une handed over the lone dog tag and the jacket that symbolised everything that I fought and subsequently died for. Would Relena stand there, stoic faced, listening to Une and her brother? Or would she end up crumpling to pieces before they were finished? Relena was strong, the strongest person I knew, but even she had her limits.

Pain ripped through my chest and I gripped my shirt in reflex. She would have to be strong for our daughter's sake. For our--

_Wake up, Heero...._

I wasn't the type to cry, but I couldn't help it. I would never meet her, hold her, talk to her, watch her grow. How someone's fuck up completely robbed her of the father she would now never know--how someone's fuck up completely robbed _me_ of the chance to be a father. I stopped walking then and just let my emotions take me, dropping to my knees from the tidal wave. This was it. There really was nothing after death except endless wandering in some hellscape, left alone with my thoughts as my only consolation. Maybe this was hell, and I just didn't know it. Wandering alone with your thoughts, thinking over and over about what ifs and all of your regrets. If I had just taken the job offer Une had recommended to me two weeks ago, none of this would've happened. Relena would've still had me.

What about Duo? He wasn't here with me, so did that mean he survived? If he did, I was certain he blamed himself. It's because of me that he was still alive. I saved his life. Or maybe he died too in that field with me in some kind of poetic something, our hands clasped, and we just were destined to walk this neverending road alone. At least if we both died, neither of us died alone in some muddy clearing in the middle of Southeast Asia nowhere.

Something urged me on, but I couldn't get up from my knees. It was the same feeling from before, when I set Duo down, my body rebelling against any orders given. Get up. Move. Walk. Continue. It gave me nothing, not even feedback to say something hurt. My lungs burned and my throat constricted. Maybe _this_ was my death, the Final Death, this sense of no oxygen and my lungs being filled with something that _burned_ and there was an awful taste in my mouth and--

I grabbed fistfuls of charred soil as I tried to crawl, but I couldn't. A bright white light was speeding towards me, barreling down invisible tracks, and I braced for impact.

_Heero, please...wake up..._

Everything was on fire everything hurt hurt _hurt_. A scream tore through my throat and I saw nothing but white. White cloth, white walls, white uniforms, white white _white_ and I felt my retinas burn from so much bright when I had been bathed in literal darkness for what felt like eternity. A hand pressed against my chest and I felt the stabbing of millions of white hot needles where it touched.

"We'll need to sedate him," said a voice that sounded distant, like I was trying to hear something near the ocean's surface on while I was on the ocean floor.

"Just up the morphine."

"He's at maximum."

Faces blurred together as pain shot through every nerve ending. I thrashed about as hands grabbed and pulled and caused my flesh to sear. Someone dropped to the floor after my hand touched their face. Did I kill them? Another blur approached with something pointed. His voice vibrated my entire body as he said, "We'll need to put him under."

I blacked out again.

* * *

"He's lucky to be alive."

I looked over at the hospital bed near mine. You couldn't see him very well, what with the bandages and five gazillion docs all huddled around him like he was some science experiment. One of them poked at his arm filled with so many IVs I was surprised there was room to stick another needle in for a blood draw.

I'd lost track of time completely while in here, cooped up in this too small hospital room, with only the shittiest and trashiest shows daytime TV had to offer, and Thalia for company. The first few days was a revolving door of different Preventers agents wanting to come and see us: Une, Zechs, Noin. Trowa. Even Wufei came down with Sally. Asked me questions, said I was a lucky bastard, and then they'd sneak a peek at Ro before leaving.

The first day I was awake, I'd heard a scream, but thought nothing of it in my drugged up haze because this was a hospital, people screamed all the time for one thing or another. Thalia told me later it was Heero, and that it was because of the amount of pain he was in. I figured he'd gotten banged up, sure, but as Thalia rattled off his whole laundry list of injuries, I felt sick. Multiple fractures. Left leg reconstruction. Right shoulder reconstruction. Severed nerves. Internal organ lacerations. His fucking spleen exploded when they nudged it in the OR trying to get to something else. Skull fragments embedded in his brain they had to pick out with "the tiniest of tweezers".

"It's very touch and go right now," Thalia had whispered. "They're not sure he'll make it despite everything." If anyone could survive anything, it was Heero. Bastard didn't know what giving up was.

"If you fucking die on me," I said, my words half slurred because they had me on the good shit, "I swear to god, Ro, I will find you in the afterlife, and I will knock out all of your goddamn teeth."

The doctor warned me to not get too excited,  else I'd pop a stitch or something. Told me "he probably can't hear you anyway."

No one knew Heero more than me. I knew the bastard heard every word I'd said to him. Being dead to the world didn't stop him.

On the third day since I'd been awake, Relena charged in despite everyone telling her not to, that she wouldn't like what she saw, that it might frighten her. Nurses eyed her stomach and gave each other concerned looks that said, _Should we let her see him with her condition?_ I felt like yelling, "Yeah, let her see him, it might be the last time she sees him alive," but I swallowed those words down, instead said, "That's his goddamn wife, have some respect and let her see him." I didn't want to upset my best friend's wife, but she looked thankful I'd spoken up and said something. They made way for her, pulled up a chair at his bedside, and huddled in a corner watching as she took a seat.

The first thing Relena asked after she took his hand was, "Where is his wedding ring?"

"On a...on a silver chain," I said. "He wore it every day on a chain. Should be with his shit unless someone stole it."

Preventers didn't allow any jewelry except stud earrings, citing safety concerns after one agent's finger got chopped off because some asshole wanted to hock his gold wedding band for like a hundred creds. So like most Preventers who had significant others, Heero wore his on a chain around his neck, right next to a ring I'd given him when we were young and dumb. The nurses looked at each other.

"Find it and give it to her already." My patience was gone, but I was too drugged up to do much about it. One nurse finally went through a large plastic bag in the room's closet and pulled out a ziplock. I made a gesture with my head and Thalia jumped up, grabbing it before handing it to her best friend with the reverence of a monk handling a saint's bones. Inside the bag were different personal effects, but I recognised the silver chain, and dangling off it was a plain gold band. Relena fished it out and took it off the chain before she slid it back on his ring finger. The other ring she slid on his middle finger.

"Better?" I asked. Relena nodded.

"He's in a coma," Thalia said, her voice strained, but gentle. "They put him in a coma so that he could heal."

A nurse decided to try and butt in. "The doctors said he's lucky--"

Relena held up a hand to cut her off.

"I've been informed by the doctors already." Her grip on his hand tightened as she smoothed a lock of hair out of his face. "I was told to not be alarmed by his appearance, that because of his injuries he might have to relearn basic activities. He might have amnesia--" Her voice cracked and she paused, clearing her throat. I couldn't see her face, but I knew she was trying to keep her composure.

"He'll make it," I said. "This is Heero we're talking about. Too stubborn to die. He'll still be as handsome a bastard as he was when you met."

"How do you know?" asked that same nurse who tried to butt in before.

"Because outside of Relena, no one knows Ro like I do. If I say he's gonna make it, he's gonna fucking make it."

In the following days I was given clearance to walk around the room a little. So of course I beelined over to my Partner's bed and sat across from Relena. I wasn't sure what to say to her. Express condolences since it was my fault he was in this mess? Remorse because he should've left me and he didn't? Instead I took her other hand and squeezed it as I looked Heero over. I wouldn't sugarcoat it--he was an absolute disaster. You couldn't see his face really, because half of it was bandaged. A bullet had grazed the side of his head, and if it had been "half a centimetre to the left" according to the stuffed up doc, "he would've been killed instantly." Instead, Heero nearly lost his eye, and they weren't sure how his optic nerve was affected yet to say if he could even see, something about a fractured eye socket or some shit, I dunno. Half his hair was missing because they had to shave it to cut his head open. A machine breathed for him since after they knocked him out, he stopped breathing, and the nurse told Thalia that that was "completely normal."

Yeah. Completely normal to just stop fucking breathing. Right.

Bandages covered his right shoulder all the way across his chest. He'd been stitched up in all sorts of locations and I knew it'd end up causing some thick scars. His leg was in some kind of cast. The ugly stitching on my thigh looked like not a big deal in comparison.

I didn't like to pray to God, or any deity for that matter, but when I needed a break from the bedside vigil I'd hobble up to the small hospital chapel, sit on a pew, and pray. To Father, that Heero would find the strength to pull through. To Sister, that he would heal with little to no pain. Over and over. I also asked why it was Heero and not me, and if Heero didn't pull through, then I'd be the only one left again.

I was so fucking tired of being the lone survivor. Of a plague, of a massacre, now an ambush.

* * *

"He might be disoriented when he wakes."

This voice, I'd heard it before, but I couldn't find a face or name in my mind to place it with. I opened my eyes and for a moment the world was spinning and I had to squeeze them shut for a minute before opening them again. Men and women dressed in white and blue scrubs, some wore starch white coats that meant they were doctors.

Doctors.

I tried to move but I couldn't. I felt like I was filled with lead, too heavy and weighed down to do anything but lay here. I was in hospital, but where? And why? Trying to think back on past events gave me a headache as I probed into the holes in my memory.

"We're going to take the breathing tube out, okay?" I nodded. He disconnected it from the machine and peeled the tape off my cheeks.

"When I count to three, I want you to cough for me, okay?"

Another nod. It was all I could manage.

"One...two...three."

I coughed as he pulled the breathing tube out, which caused me to gag.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," the doctor said, as he made notes on his clipboard. "We had you in a coma so your body could heal, which happened faster than we imagined. We'll still keep you for another week or so, just for observation purposes. You were in bad shape when they brought you in..."

The doctor and his entourage of nurses left the room.

"Heero."

I turned my head and saw Relena sitting on a plain metal chair, her eyes red. She looked like she hadn't slept for weeks.

"Relena..."

She rested her head on my chest before breaking down into sobs. I reached out to stroke her hair, trying to comfort her as best I could.

"When Une showed up at my door, my heart stopped. She said I needed to pack a bag and come with her immediately, but wouldn't tell me anything." She pulled away a little, wiping at her swollen eyes. "I feared the worst, Heero. She kept telling me I had to be strong, that this was all part of being married to Preventers." I'd never seen her roll her eyes before, even as she sniffled.

"I'm sorry." The words barely left my mouth. After so much disuse and abuse, my voice wasn't up for cooperating. "I'm sorry I put you through this."

"You're alive," she whispered. "That's all I could ask for at this point."

A nurse came in with a tray.

"Do you remember anything?" Relena asked. "About the field assignment?"

The only thing I could remember was the day we headed out. Colton was particularly excited for his very first field mission, he could barely contain it.

"Where is everyone?" I asked. If I survived looking like this, I could only imagine what the rest of my team looked like. Relena's expression fell, and I felt a heaviness in my stomach.

"Where's Duo?" I asked, as the heart monitor I was hooked up to beeped a little faster. Relena gestured behind her with her head.

"He's at the chapel with Thalia right now, but he's been your roommate the entire time you've been here."

"And the others?"

Relena said nothing at first.

"Kitta no ka, Relena."

"I heard you, yes. Your boss would rather I not tell you until you're well again--"

_Please tell me._

"...They've been unable to retrieve the bodies because the area is still hot--"

_They're dead._ Duo and I were the only survivors.

I sunk back into the hospital pillows. My team had been obliterated and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Tell Une I want an investigation," I said. "Or get me my phone so I can tell her myself."

Relena gave me a look. "You are in no condition to do work."

"I need to know why Bravo Team dropped the ball so bad."

"It was definitely sabotage."

I looked over Relena's shoulder and saw Duo, using his IV stand for support, with Thalia on the other side of him.

"You're alive..."

Duo grinned. "'Course I am, all thanks to you."

I reached out a hand for him, and Duo hobbled over and sat at the edge of my bed.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, as he pulled me into a hug. I felt nothing, too numb from medications and what was probably emotional shock, but it made me feel better.

"You saved my life, Ro. I owe you big time."

I shook my head. "You've saved my ass plenty of times. Consider it repaid."

"I gotta give you _something_ as a thanks."

I gripped his hand. "Kiss me."

Duo pressed his mouth against mine as Relena squeezed my hand harder.

"So many people love you, Ro," he murmured against my mouth.

"No," I said. "Just two. You, and Relena."

Duo took my hand and placed it on the swell of Relena's abdomen.

"No, see, there's _at least_ three. And the third one can't wait to meet you." He grinned before he pulled Relena and I into a hug.

* * *

_3 October AC 198_

I was still in pain, and whatever meds they were giving me weren't doing it anymore. Maybe they'd stopped giving me morphine entirely and injected placebo medications into my IV line instead, hoping that the Placebo Effect would take hold and that I'd be cured. I don't know. Every day a doctor came in and recorded my vitals and asked me questions like, "How are you feeling today?" which always got the same response.

"I want to go home."

"Soon." They'd been saying that for days now, or maybe it had been weeks, I didn't really know anymore. After asking questions with static answers, he would examine my shoulder and take notes on how well it was or wasn't healing, but it was absolutely certain that I'd never regain my full mobility in it. My eye looked good and I continued being able to see, but I would need to follow up with an eye doctor to be "absolutely certain nothing was badly damaged".

The doctor loved that line, "absolutely certain". Nothing in life was absolutely certain, least of all when it came to me. I wasn't going to be medically cleared to return to the field, that much I knew as well. Rods and pins in my leg, a busted shoulder, permanent nerve damage, and a rebuilt knee automatically disqualified me, so I could either be discharged from Preventers completely with full pension and benefits, or I could take that desk job Une had been trying to give me for months.

"You're a married man, and you're going to be a father soon," she'd said. "The field is for those who have nothing to lose. You're not a nameless kid anymore, Yuy."

I didn't try to remember what happened the day my life nearly ended; memories from that day were hazy at best, broken jittery film strips at worst with glitched out audio and the colours completely washed out in most places. Relena gave me a few updates to pacify my restlessness and need to know what was going on, like how a week ago they were finally able to subdue the terrorists holding down the site, and they started the body recovery phase. A few days ago they recovered the bodies of Stoew and Repp. Tortuna was found a couple of days after them, and yesterday they found Colton.

Colton. He wasn't even supposed to be on that mission. Another agent got cold feet and offered it to anyone willing to take it, and because Colton was young and inexperienced, he wanted to prove himself a full fledged member of Preventers, despite the fact that he had yet to earn his wings, let alone how to fly with them. He was only eighteen, one of the youngest members in a sea of old timers who had been through the Wars and the Uprising. They still had to process the bodies before they could update them from MIA to KIA, and as their CO I was required to be the one delivering the news.

Despite how long we were in hospital for, we still had plenty of visitors. Carter kept remarking on how it was a miracle Duo survived, and Duo told him, "Ain't that always how it happens in my life." Carter of course took one look at me and asked, "How the hell did you survive getting shot in the head?"

It was just a bullet graze, but try telling anyone that.

"Didn't know I was even shot in the head," I answered. "Or anywhere, really."

"When can you go home?"

I shrugged. "At this rate, I feel like it's never."

Carter left and I was alone with Duo, who was watching some terrible quality dub of a foreign language film. Relena and Thalia were having a girls' lunch date or something, because Thalia wanted Relena to get out of the hospital for some fresh air and fun. Duo wanted to join them, but due to him needing further surgery, he was laid up again. He should've been released by now. _I_ should've been released by now, but they were cautious, if not overly so.

"Duo..."

Duo looked over as he sipped breakfast through a straw, some kind of protein shake or something that I'd tried one sip of and nearly gagged.

"Hey. How ya feelin'?"

"Like shit."

Duo sucked loudly on his straw. "Same. This breakfast ain't that great neither, and this hospital's supposed to be top rated. Feh." He coughed. "I need a cigarette and a big juicy burger."

"You can't smoke anymore," I said. "You only have one lung." They had to take the other one in his latest surgery.

Duo rolled his eyes. "Fuck you, ain't no one gonna stop me once I'm out of here. My luck I'll live to the ripe old age of 100 and then kick the bucket in a puddle of my own piss. My daughter will shake her head and be like, 'Goddammit, Dad, you're an embarrassment.'"

I tried to laugh but it hurt too much.

"I was expecting you to say something like, 'Fuck you, I'll die inside my wife.'"

Duo grinned. "That's the best way to die. I'll be that old fucking coot who breaks a hip thrusting too hard and needs half a bottle of Viagra to get it up in the first place, and when I shoot my load in her, I die of a heart attack or something. That's how I wanna go." He reached for my hand. "Or, you know, die balls deep in your ass. I ain't picky."

I reached for Duo, but our beds were just far enough away that neither of us could reach.

"Guess I'll have to climb into bed with you," he said, standing up on unsteady feet.

"If you pop your stitches and get an infection, I'm not covering for you," I said.

"Fuck you." Duo carefully made his way across the three foot gap that separated our beds and sat at the edge of mine.

"Ta da!" Duo said, before kissing me.

I was told later on by a nurse that a doctor came in an hour later to check on us, and he looked confused as to why Duo was in my bed, and how I was sound asleep with Duo's fingers stroking my hair.

"You looked peaceful," she said, as she plunked the tray containing mediocre hospital food down on the over-the-bed table.

"I felt safer than I have in...I don't know. Since I woke up, I guess."

She smiled softly. "He's a good friend."

"No," I said, not really having much of an appetite as I moved food around the plate. "He's my Partner."

* * *

_13 October AC 198_

"Go figure we get released on Friday the 13th."

Duo leaned back in the wheelchair as a nurse wheeled him to reception for discharge. I wasn't that far behind him, scowling due to them not letting me walk out of here on my own. "Hospital protocol" was what the nurse told me. I guess I should've been happy I was finally out of here. I could sleep in my own bed for the first time in almost a month. I still wasn't cleared to return to work just yet, but Une said she would be in touch with assignments I could do at home "to prep" for my new position as the IT and Network Security Department head.

Before I could do that, I had some official business to attend to, namely telling twelve families that their loved ones weren't returning home. Preventers finally recovered all of them, and were ready to change their status over, but before they could do that, their families had to be notified, and Preventers did that in person. Une was going to send Zechs in my stead, but I insisted that I be the one to do it. They were _my_ team. It had to be me. When we got home, I changed into a clean, not bloodstained uniform, and waited in the passenger seat as Duo puttered around getting ready.

I had a list of twelve names and addresses on my phone, and I read them over and over again as Duo climbed into the driver seat. Stoew. Repp. Colton. Tortuna. O'Connor, Schmidt, Vito. D'Michaelis, Gates, Winthrop. Jarette. Edmunds. Each of them had families. Children. Spouses. Each of them waiting on bated breath for news of their loved ones.

And I had to tell each and every one of them that their loved one wasn't coming home alive.

The first house we pulled up to was D'Michaelis'. A decent sized house with a perfectly manicured lawn and a freshly painted picket fence. Kids toys littered the front yard. Justin D'Michaelis' wife, Jordana, was petite and always had at least one child clinging to her legs at all times. He had two daughters and another baby on the way, a son he would never be able to meet. Duo helped me out of the car before grabbing the paper bag with D'Michaelis' jacket and dog tags inside. We walked in step to the front door and I rang the doorbell. Duo straightened his tie and glanced at me. This was his first time doing this.

It wasn't my first time doing this by a long shot.

The door opened and a girl no older than five years old peered up at me through a mess of black curls. Guilt tore through my chest then, this girl who no longer had a father due to my actions. Even though both Une and Zechs had said it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I could've done to prevent any of this, I still felt responsible. If I hadn't asked D'Michaelis to be on my team, he would've still been alive.

"Who's at the door, honey?" a voice called from deeper inside the house.

"People who work with Daddy," she said, stepping aside as her mother approached.

"Mrs D'Michaelis?" I asked. She nodded, the dish towel in her hands forgotten. Her gaze fell to the bag in Duo's possession.

"I'm sorry to inform you, ma'am, that your husband, Justin D'Michaelis, lost his life defending peace on--"

She screamed "no" so loud I paused. Leaned against the doorway so she didn't fall to the floor.

"You're joking, right?" she asked. "This is all some elaborate prank. My husband sent you guys to do this, right? He's coming home..."

"He's comin' home," Duo said, his voice without a hint of humour. "He's not coming home in the manner that we hope all our agents will. I'm sorry, Caroline." He pulled D'Michaelis' Preventers jacket out of bag and offered it to her, his dog tag and ID badge both hanging from the breast pocket of it.

"Colonel Une will be in touch later with details on where and when you can see him," I said. "My deepest condolences are with you at this time."

She took his jacket and held it close, her daughter looking quizzically at it.

"...thank you," she said, before she closed the door. Behind it, I could hear her sobs.

Duo took a deep breath.

"Is this how it's gonna be the rest of the day?" he asked, as he headed back to the car.

"Yeah."

It took us a few hours to go door to door on our list, until we reached the end. Agent John Colton. Next of kin: Emily Marlon-Colton. Her and Colton had been married for two weeks when he was sent away on his first and last mission. The report mentioned she was five months pregnant.

"Funny how all of 'em were family men," Duo said, as we cruised along busy streets towards the Colton residence. "The field ain't for married men, least of all married men with kids. Or anyone with kids. Zechs left when he found out Luc was gonna pop out some kids. I left--"

"But then got roped back in for 'just one more mission'," I said. "I could've killed you. I'd never be able to face Thalia ever again or be able to forgive myself."

"This was gonna be your last mission too," Duo remarked. "You told Une just one last mission, and then you'd take that nice cushy desk job, safe from harm so Relena could sleep at night knowing you weren't in some bumfuckville country potentially dying for the peace she wanted so badly."

"The peace _we_ wanted so badly."

Duo pulled into the driveway and turned the engine off.

"You know how this goes, Ro. The road to hell is paved with the souls of those with good intentions. They died for--"

"Colton wasn't even supposed to _be there_ , Duo!" I smacked my fist against the dashboard. "He was just a kid, only eighteen, barely out of high school."

Duo gripped my shoulders. "Ro. John was our age. If he was 'just a kid', then so are we."

"Maintaining peace should be left to those who fought for it," I said. "I don't want my son or daughter fighting to keep pacifism alive."

"We can't fight forever, Ro." He squeezed my shoulder, careful of the one that was still injured.

"I'm going to keep fighting longer than everyone else."

Duo sighed. "Leave the field work to someone who doesn't have a wife and kid. To someone who has nothing to lose. You and I, we ain't like that no more, okay? It ain't fair that John died, I know that. He was just a kid, I know that too. But we were kids fighting a war started by adults too. All we can do is make sure he didn't die in vain."

He left the car and grabbed the final paper bag before opening my door. I left the car, took a deep breath, and led Duo up the three steps to the wraparound porch filled with plants.

"You gonna be okay? Want me to do it?"

I shook my head. "I'll be fine." I knocked on the storm door as Duo checked his watch. A few moments passed, and no one came to the door.

"Try knocking on the actual door, maybe she didn't hear it."

I opened the storm door and knocked on the actual exterior door. A minute or so later, the door opened as far as the deadbolt would allow.

"Who are you?"

"Special Agents Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell," I said, showing my badge. "I was captain of Team Alpha, Agent Maxwell was my Second. Your husband, John Colton, was one of the agents under my leadership."

She closed the door and I heard the deadbolt unchain. She opened the door fully now.

"'Was' one of the agents?" She looked from me to Duo and back. "Why are you speaking of John in past tense like that? What..."

Duo handed her the paper bag. She shook her head, trying to hand it back.

"I don't understand."

"I'm sorry that I must inform you of your husband's passing, Mrs Colton."

She stared at the bag in her hands before opening it.

"If it will ease your pain just the tiniest bit, he died trying to save a fellow agent," I said. "He upheld Preventers' values through the end, and showed so much promise in the short time I knew him."

"John...always did want to help people." She smiled, though I could see the pain clear on her face. "He wanted to join Preventers more than anything." She sniffled. "Thank you for bringing this home to me."

The sigh I let out in the car was more like a shudder as I buckled my seatbelt.

"What're you thinking about, Ro?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much, that's all."

"You've never lost your entire team," he said, starting the car.

"Almost my entire team," I corrected.

"Actually, you did," Duo said. "Your whole team was dead for about...ten minutes, I think they said."

I looked at him as he put the car in reverse and pulled out of the driveway.

"What? I died, yeah. I was dead for like, ten or so minutes when they retrieved us, and it took like fifteen to twenty minutes to revive me. We were all dead."

I placed my hand over his and squeezed.

"Why'd you come back?" I asked. He snorted.

"Because I knew you were alive and like hell was I gonna burn without you."

When we arrived home, the first thing I did when I got through the door was hug Relena. At first she didn't do anything--I'd caught her completely off guard. It didn't take her long to return the embrace, her fingers in my hair as I buried my face in hers.

Facing John's widow made me realise the position I was potentially putting Relena in. Would she handle it with soft sadness and grace like Emily had? Would she breakdown like Caroline? I couldn't do that to her.

"I can't do this to you anymore," I whispered.

"Heero..."

"I'm not going to make a widow of you," I said, a little louder. I pulled away from her enough to see her face and cup her cheeks. Her hands fell to my shoulders. "I can't do that to you, Relena. I can't hurt you like that, I can't leave you like--"

She pressed a finger to my lips and shook her head.

"Relena..."

"I know," was all she said, before she kissed me. "You're not going anywhere."


End file.
